Perfectionism: A Journey to Find the Mythical 'Enough'



My freshman year roommate, Sami, and I
 at our first Pitt football game.

I have always been ambitious to a fault. A strict ‘Type A, always sits in the front of the class, somehow knows everyone and no one is quite sure how, seems to be involved in every organization and club imaginable and still seems to have their life together’ type of person. Those observations? Not wrong.

What they saw? Ambition. Drive. Confidence. Success. Try-hard. Oh, and probably a perfectionist.

What I saw? It wasn't not enough.

No matter what I did growing up, I never felt satisfied with my performance, whether in school, music, or sports. I always strove to have the best grades or to be the best player. I never felt like I was enough. I never felt content, and rarely felt proud. 

After growing up trapped in ‘enough’s, I ended high school having accomplished: membership in an honors society, 8 AP classes finished, membership to over four clubs and school organizations, four years served in my high school marching band, several leadership positions, two published newspaper articles, a quotation in a bridal magazine as a prom expert, a spot on senior prom court, a modeling and creative artist position for a local photographer, working three different jobs, and an acceptance into the University of Pittsburgh to study Philosophy and Neuroscience. I was even graciously even scholarships from several organizations to support my continued education. 

What was my drive, my motivation? To find the mythical ‘enough’: where I was finally smart enough, pretty enough, kind enough, and my idea of perfect.



My grandparents and I at my graduation in 2015 - aren't they cute?

In the beginning of my freshman year, I was disappointed in myself. I asked myself what I could have done differently to put myself in a better position for success in my freshman year. What MORE could I have done? The thought of doing more than I have done made me panic, but not as much as the perpetual feeling of not being enough that resonated in my core.
I found myself scrabbling to take on more work, more classes, more leadership positions - but why?

At the age of 19 years old, I have amazing friends, I am at an incredible university, and I am blessed with inspirational professors and mentors. My classes are going well, I have a great GPA and I am approximately a semester ahead of where I am supposed to be. I am healthy: I eat well and exercise regularly. I am founding an organization on my campus and I volunteer regularly. I’m told that I am pretty, well-liked, and extremely smart. I am the picture of success to some. A full year ago, at 18 years old, I was in almost the same position - yet I felt like I had failed enough for an entire lifetime.

I recently realized how much my entire life depended on my relationship to the
word ‘enough’.

‘Enough’ means “adequate for the want or need, sufficient for the purpose to satisfy a desire” (Thanks Dictionary.com!). ‘Enough’ has a neutral meaning when not applied to the context of everyday life.

“Do I look thin enough?”

“Are my grades good enough for medical school?”

“Did I eat enough food today?”

“Does my make-up look good enough?”

“Did I exercise enough today?”

‘Enough’ is a way of saying a goal or standard was met, but to some people (such as myself), ‘enough’ implies some degree of failure, somehow implies some degree of panic, some degree of justifying not doing more. ‘Enough’ implies an alternate scenario where more can be provided, the goal can be higher, the achievements can be greater. Because in my 18 year old mind, while I might have done ‘enough’, that doesn’t mean it’s all I could’ve done. Conversely, when I’m doing all I can, I still feel like it’s not ‘enough’. Someone out there could be doing more. Or what if I think I’m doing all I can, but I actually could do more if I was more, if I was better?


So I kept striving, absolutely miserable, covered in awards and compliments and honors that I did not even feel like I deserved. When striving for perfection, ‘enough’ really isn’t enough. Nothing could ever be ‘enough’, no matter what it was.

In my attempt to find the mythical ‘enough’, I have gained the following things:


(1)  A strong work ethic.

(2)  Ambition, drive, and bravery.

(3)  Many, many life experiences.

(4)  Tons of new friends.

But in this journey, I had received the not so glamorous side of the search for ‘enough’. This includes:

(1)  An absolute fear of rejection.

(2)  An extreme guilt of the things that I have achieved and been given due to the fact I feel I do not deserve them.

(3) Complete and utter disappointment in my own mistakes.


(4)  A highly critical view of myself due to my own unreasonable expectations of what I can and cannot do.

It was the negative side of my perfectionism that showed me that I needed to change. It made me too competitive, occasionally bitter towards my own friends, and worrisome and restless. I knew I needed to change, yet I was afraid of losing my drive and ambition. I built myself on ‘enough’, and the fear of rebuilding myself or allowing myself to let go could not overpower how trapped I felt by it.

One day, I asked myself, "Is this the way I would want one of my friends to feel about themself and about their accomplishments?" So at the end of my freshman year, I made the pledge to myself to change my ways, and end my perfectionism to pursue a happier, more fulfilling lifestyle.

My freshman year roommates,
who I still consider to be some of my very best friends.

Taking a step away from ‘enough’ is still ongoing process for me, and it is by far the greatest challenge I have faced. It has taken so much energy to accomplish what I have emotionally in the past year, and I am far more proud of my personal growth than anything else I have achieved in comparison. In the past year, I have overcome many of the components that are a direct result of my ‘enough’ complex. I have watched my relationships with others, especially in the past few months, grow and flourish into beautiful friendships. I am no longer afraid of trying new things out of fear of failure. I speak my mind now more than ever before with less fear of not seeming perfect as a result. I have never felt so content and satisfied with my own life and accomplishments. Slowly but surely, I am becoming free, less founded on perfectionism and the mythical ‘enough’.

Until next post, wishing you the best.