How Women’s Rights Advocacy and Feminism Changed My Romantic Life

One of the greatest fears I had as a young girl was being single.

Yes, gasp, alone. A bachelorette. Forever.

After a long dating history that could only be symbolized by the Muses Thalia and Melpomene (#drama), I don’t necessarily see any issue with sitting on my metropolitan apartment balcony sipping Chardonnay and listening to John Legend while watching the sunset over my empire for the rest of my worldly days (literally that screams “Goals” more than anything else).

However, as a young girl bombarded by the penetrating archetype of princess-hood and the heteronormative romantic notions that were betrothed with it, being alone wasn’t just scary – it was socially unacceptable. A life of solitude (which I now see as a blissful, desirable solitude, not requiring attention emotionally or physically from a significant other) was a masculine apotheosis, unattainable to those of the attribution of ‘woman’. Lacking a (in a heteronormative upbringing) male counterpart to have and to hold until the end of your days was a social designation of ugliness of some kind, whether it be physical or spiritual.

Under the façade of storytelling and cultural preservation, Disney (yes, including Walt himself) perpetuated strict heteronormativity and further married romance with femininity throughout their initial princess movies, namely the classic Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

[I will disclose my position on the movie, as an aside: I did a media analysis on gender of this movie, including watching the opening scene at least seven times, and the high pitched, blood curdling voice of Snow White still wreaks havoc through my nightmares to this very day.]

However, on a more serious note, it was movies like this that catalyzed an intrinsic fear of being alone. Being female meant that you were expected to fit ONE of two molds:

(1) As a YOUNG female, you were expected to be beautiful, and that beautiful indicated a kind, soft, stereotypical, socially acceptable form of femininity that would entice some Prince (a striking, handsome young gentleman) to sweep you off your feet: to save you from your troubles, evil, and  most importantly, from loneliness.

(2) Older females, if they were present, were expected to be ALONE (in most cases). Most filled an evil, villainous role - always watching the young princess, analyzing and criticizing her every move, and trying to take something - whether that be her youth, talent, or red ruby slippers - away from her.

In my childhood mind, I transitively equated romance with femininity, and soon viewed stereotypical femininity as a savior from loneliness. Contrastingly, the role that older women played in Disney and Warner Brothers movies also showed the result of achieving this stereotypical form of femininity - being evil, envious, and alone.

The project that I mentioned before? Yes, that's definitely the reason I switched to an Anthropology major, and moreover the reason I am a feminist. Because being a woman shouldn't mean choosing between Cinderella and the Evil Stepmother, so why does media portray it that way?

The stereotypical display of femininity - the classic princess archetype - is not how many expect a feminist to portray herself. But feminists come in all shapes and sizes, all colors, all backgrounds, all abilities. Being "princess-like" is just okay as any other kind of display of femininity that empowers a woman. However, just as society taught us the ideas of what a princess must be like in order to achieve romance, it taught us what feminists 'are' like - in many cases, feminists are labeled as harsh, cold, and devoid of the feminine princess-like qualities seen in the movies that many of us grew up in.

Since I near literally bathe myself in pink and glitter before I leave the house every day, I often times get *very* surprised reactions from people once I tell them about my feminism since I "don't seem like other feminists".

As I dive deeper into the vast and fierce fight for gender equality, I find myself in this position when going on dates:

“What do you do?”, asks boy inquisitively.

“I work in women’s rights advocacy and empowerment”, I respond.

"Oh, so you're like... a feminist?" he inquires.

"Yep."

His response lets me know whether he is worthy of a second date.

Working in women’s rights and owning my feminism allows me the beautiful opportunity to be forward with my beliefs and values upon first meeting someone. There is never an awkward, “I didn’t know you believed/supported THAT” phase, like how many people may experience. I let my passions and beliefs intertwine to blossom to show who I am, which ebbs and flows into explaining the other belief systems in my life – into my Christianity, into my Buddhist meditation, into my strong and unwavering trust in my morning coffee. It allows me the amazing opportunity to figure out, on a first date, whether someone is interested in me as the idea of a beautiful woman, or in me for the combination of my passions, beliefs, ideas, failures, and successes. Because any strong feminist knows that their beliefs cannot be compromised, even for the romance we are socialized to believe we need.

That said, my feminism has taught me that I am surrounded by a strong sisterhood (not just a cisterhood, but a true and comprehensive, intersectional SISTERHOOD) and despite what the movies and society attempted to instill in me throughout my youth, that being alone as a woman is not a bad thing. Being alone as any person, despite your gender, is normal and genuinely speaking, OKAY! There is no “ugliness” that is the underlying cause of my current status as a single woman, and my ‘loneliness’ as a bachelorette does not feel like loneliness at all.

I am developing and strengthening my relationship with my family, my friends, with God and the Earth, and with myself.

Best til next,

Kelly